Nightmares (6/2/24)

We're six months into the year, and on days like today, that feels terrifying.

I woke three times in the middle of the night in a cold sweat. My body shaking, my stomach churning, adrenaline forcing my body into the mattress. I tried my best each time to keep my eyes open so the visions wouldn't start again, but three times they did. It would start with someone I once trusted abusing me in one way or another. Verbally, physically, sexually, and I wouldn't feel strongly about it. Then they would turn their sights on you.

I tried my best to stop them. One time I tried and my feet wouldn't touch the ground. I watched them dismember you. Another time, I had them. I stuck my blade deep in their chest and dragged it around making jagged lines throughout their flesh just to be sure they were dead. Then they smirked at me and vanished, and it was you I'd killed.

I cried out that I loved you, and that all I wanted was to protect you. The perpetrator watched on and began berating me, calling me stupid, then forced theirself onto me. I woke up, still about one third of me asleep, dazed, and masturbated to the idea of being disrespected. The idea of someone being entitled to my body. I cried, shaking, wanting to vomit, and fell asleep.

I don't remember the rest of my dreams, but I remember the same feeling of helplessness. I woke from these dreams completely defeated. Restless. Sick. Looking for any source of comfort. All I could do was imagine you knocking on my door like you used to.

You peek in and say "sorry", and I tell you to come in. You're wearing an oversized t-shirt that covers your underwear, and carrying Spaghettios, your weighted stuffed leopard. You look at me lovingly, with a sort of giddy tension in your posture, and gently float over to my bed. You drape over me, nuzzle your head against mine, making your place between my ear and my shoulder. That place is all yours. I feel warm in your embrace, and without saying anything, you tell me everything is okay. I feel so safe here.

But now it's only my imagination. A real memory at best. One that has passed. I remember less than two months ago you came in my room and looked at my bed with a certain longing in your eyes and started to say, "can we-" before walking out of my room and sitting on the couch, knowing very well that we can't. And I wish we could. So badly. At the time, I didn't understand why we couldn't...

I'm sobbing. I'm finally sobbing. It's been a week since I've been able to cry over this. A whole week that I couldn't feel these emotions. Trying so hard to, but they shut off. I shut down every time. I'm finally sobbing. Aggressively.

I want to hear that knock on my door so badly. For you to peek your face in. For me to invite you in. For you to drape yourself over me like you did so many times. I would tell you that I love you, and tell you how much I've missed you. We'd remark on how we'd strayed from ourselves, and vow to never let it happen again. I would mean every word.

<3 <3 <3

Hold
Me close
A moment longer
Until the color comes back to my face
When these nighmares come to hurt me
You drape over me
Like before


Hold
Me closer
To your face
I make my place
Between your ear
And your shoulder
I feel safe
When I'm afraid
And you come knocking on my door


But
You disappear
Into the fog
Slow and soft
Sing for me
To go to sleep
Slow and soft
You drift off
Begging please
Go to sleep
Into the fog
You drift off

<3<3<3