Hello Again (3/3/24)

I gained a new confidence in January, and lost it in February.

I lost deliberation, and my thoughts became nonsense.

I walked blindly, clueless, clinging to any feeling, wanting to be taken care of.

Wanting to be loved.

I thrashed around violently, I spoke erratically, voicing the first words that came to my head, braindead, hoping to find peace in giving up, but turning out empty.

I think about masking, and it doesn't seem wrong. In a way, my "natural" state is a coping mechanism in itself, and it doesn't serve me.

I shut off my brain. Is it a mask to tighten up? To stand with my back straight, to move carefully? To think slowly and critically, to refuse to act on impulses?

I love myself, and I love to have fun, but I lose love for myself and the world when I act mindlessly.

I'm sitting here in my chair this morning, and The Sinking Belle by Boris and Sunn is playing from my turntable. At this point in the album, everything feels right, and outside the birds are chirping. I hear it from the open window. I understand where I am, I know what I have to do, and I am thankful. I'm thankful for the moss that carries my footsteps as I lightly glide across a fallen tree, elevated high above the forest floor. I know that this is all that matters. I am where I belong, I am who I belong, and I belong to myself. In this moment, I see the world as it should be, and I know where I'm going, and the superficial fades away. All the pressure is gone, and I know that we can have love. The song is almost over. The track is fading slowly. The piano. Thank you. I love you. <3 <3 <3