Dysphoric Stream of Consciousness (12/10/23)

I want to destroy.
I wish the world were a big fungus. I want to fuck and destroy. I want to be desired. I need to see and be seen. I want all the good things to be condensed. I want it right here right now. I want pure bliss, orgasmic relief, and I want to feel it with everyone all at once. I have a need to feel, to feel now, to feel everything.

I don't know why I get so obsessively in my head. I can feel loved. I do feel loved. But I'm not sure I feel justified in myself. I feel like slime. An ooze that I reject out of myself. I want to rid me. So often. I lay back catatonic, starry eyed with nothing, no pupil. I feel shame for my existence. I'm embarrased to show what's real and unfiltered, and I feel shame for my disguise. Why can't I feel rejected? Why can't I confront? I dodge the issue. Where is my boldness? Can't I brave myself? But am I really firm enough in myself to even recognize in the moment? It's so hard to be real. Sketch me out real good. Make it pretty.

I am real. I exist. Born to live, born to die, and I have to accept that. I pretend I do. I dance around the issue and pretend it's not scary. Pretend I know the answer. I'm dead faced or smiling ear to ear, but I'm terrified. How can I show it? To live is inherently shameful. I hide. I don't feel private in my own mind. Fuck.

I want terraforming powers. I want everything easy. I want to feel everything right now. I want a pill. I want to melt. I want to be real. I want to be on a piece of paper. I want to get stuck in the grooves of a fingerprint...

A beautiful moment feels distant. Unattainable. A beautiful moment is one that allows me to put myself to the side. To forget that I exist, and to purely experience. Another beautiful moment is one in which I feel completely validated, in love with myself, totally connected with the people around me. I shut myself off. I don't want to drift off. I would love to be a pair of eyes in the sunny sky, blue, looking past the biggest, greenest hill. Just peaking into the clouds. Just the sky, the clouds, the hill, the birds, and me: a big pair of eyes.

One day I will exist. I will feel no shame. I will know who I am. This is why people hurt each other. But I don't ever want to hurt anyone. I just want to feel as much as I can. I want to touch the earth. Sometimes I feel beautiful things. Sometimes I feel hopeless. This is a mixture of the two.

I haven't had myself like this in too long. I haven't had my songs, my thoughts, my body. I haven't listened to music in my headphones just to feel it in far too long. I haven't felt just to feel in far too long. I haven't appreciated my love. I haven't extended myself. I haven't learned to put myself out to be seen. I haven't loved how I could, because I'm scared. Because I'm desperate for everything. Because I'm so mixed into every piece. I'm diluted. I dilute. I'm so diluted. I want you to spill me out. Uzumaki.< x3< x3< x3

Morning, (12/11/23)
I feel dissonance ripping me apart from the inside. I'm out of my mind all the time. A permanent disassociation. But I feel alright. My head hurts. I have my room back. I woke up with complete dread today, and immediately called off work. I was having dreams of trauma. Dreams I luckily can't recall. I think brought on by my writing last night. But that's good. If I'm going to feel, I want to feel all of it. I don't want to numb myself anymore. Violate me repeatedly in my dreams until I have something to grasp. I could use a meal and a nap. I'm starting to love myself. Feeling sludge. I need food and water. <3<3<3