Journal Entry 5/23/24

This is one of over a hundred similarly exhaustive, obsessive, and desperate rambling from the past two months.

*DISCLAIMER* This is NOT a fun read. This is way too personal. I did not write this with the intention of anyone other than me seeing it, but archiving it here paired with this drawing serves a certain purpose to me. Read it if you want.

Also I'm doing a lot better now.

You used to cling to me like baby bear. I was your bug in a container. You'd lay your head on my chest and sing the sweetest words. Now I'm staring at a picture of you just to feel like you're here.

Everythings gotten a whole lot worse. A few days ago I felt perfect. I'd been building myself up, making major progress towards doing the things that I like. I was doing so much. I started to sort of make peace with the thought that they could not give me what I want. That I have to move on and let things be. I told myself, just to keep myself under control, that I wouldn't try to call them until Wednesday, so it could be a full week. I held to that, but as soon as Wednesday rolled around, I was in agony. Sunday was perfect, then Monday on things got hard. Now I'm back to where I was a month and a half ago. I feel the same feelings as if it's totally fresh. I am completely in love with them and I want to beg them to come back. I need their love. I'm remembering everything we had and I need that now. I've been completely obsessed with them for the past couple days. Literally my entire day yesterday was spent mourning, and looking to see if they've posted online.

I do not want anything. This is complete misery. I do not know how to find my way. I don't even want to take them off my mind. I actually really don't want to, and that's why its so hard. This is whats killing me. I want them so badly. I am so afraid of losing connection with them. I'm so afraid they're not going to come back. That they'll decide life is better without me. I don't want that. I want them here. I love everything about them and I want to be there for all of it. I wouldn't want it to be at the sake of their happiness, but I don't think it would have to be. But that's not something I can decide for them. I want to be selfish. I want it to be okay. I wish I could show them everything I feel, and I wish they would understand and come back to me. To comfort me. And make everything okay. I love you. I want their comfort and their love so badly. I want to hold each other so close and cry and say that we never want to lose each other. I need that so badly. But I know its all too much for them. If I showed them everything I feel it would only drive them away further. They decided that they cannot handle these things. It all got to be too much. And a main driving force in this breakup has been that they can't take a step away from me without me having an intense emotional reaction. This is still the case. So if I go to them sobbing and begging, it will certainly only make things worse. I need to be able to depend on myself. One of the reasons they are so bold and strong and admirable is their ability to connect with theirself in times of hardship. That strong independence. They don't let things hold them for too long if something isn't right. I hold on to things forever. They can change the way they look at something. I cannot. I hate change. I don't want to accept other perspectives. I can recognize all these things, but I still want what I want desperately. I cannot move on. Because I do not want to. But I don't want to stay here either. Maybe it's somewhat comfortable wallowing right now, but I cannot stay here. I can't be crazy. I can't feed into emotions and behaviors that will drive people away. I can't let this get worse.

Most of my thoughts seem to fall into the categories of, "what can I do to get their attention", "how can I see what they're doing", "I hope this isn't happening pertaining to them", or just "this feels horrible, I need them." I don't want to give it up either. What if they see me focused on myself and they think it's not a big deal to me anymore. What if they decide to just stop caring about me. They think I'm all good and they can just step away. And then that lasts forever. They grow totally apart from me and have no room for me in their life and don't want it. That's the very last thing I want. And that's why I'm afraid to let go. I want to be hyper aware so I can make sure that doesn't happen. But really I know that's not how it works. Trying to control the situation will only make it far more likely that those things happen. They've said they want to be friends, but they need space. Space is what's scary, because I forget about people. I don't want them to forget about me. I want to be important in their mind. I don't want to be so disposable. But I want to be someone they want to be around.